LAZY

I remember being quite an expressive child, I shared every single emotion with the carefree nature that every child deserves to possess. I would talk for hours and hours on end about my woes which were usually very mundane and amusing to the adults around me, seeing as the woes of a five year old rarely exceed not wanting to share toys or getting the wrong flavoured capri-sun.

Unfortunately we do not stay children forever, and for me that child like naivety of believing that emotions can be expressed without retribution was the first to go. It was time for me to grow up, I watched with envy as those around me changed and emerged from their cocoons beautifully coloured butterflies ready to take on their teenage years. While I was more of a moth drenched in paint, hoping nobody would notice that I did not belong.

However even the greatest of actors are not succumbed to the pain of having to constantly pretend, so I gave up and instead I became Lazy.

I lay in bed till midday or well past not because I couldn’t stand the thought of going through another miserable day but because I was “lazy.” My grades began to slip not because my mind was too frazzled to pay attention or because I had convinced myself I would die before I needed all this seemingly useless information but because I was “lazy”. I avoided all social interactions because I was “lazy” and not because i simply lacked the energy it took to be the sad clown that kept everyone entertained but after the party returned home to nothingness.

To me the word lazy was and still is a placeholder for all the things i’m too afraid to admit because let’s face it saying you’re “lazy” saves you the awkwardness and judgement associated with saying you’re depressed, anxious, stressed and downright fed up.

Five months into 2019 and i’m convinced this is the year I either get up or give up. At the moment the latter seems like the more appealing option, because now not only am I Lazy, i’m downright Tired. But anyway here’s to hoping 🥂